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| I like lots of music. There are few musical styles that I dislike across the board. However, when it comes to "Death Metal" I've yet to find a band that really speaks to me. Maybe it's because I can't really understand what they are saying in the first place, but that's besides the point. I like plenty of bands who's lyrics are hard to decipher without having them in written down in front of you while you listen. There's just something about this sort of music that sounds ridiculous to me. Death Metal is not without it's redeeming qualities though. For one thing, DM has plenty of Baditude. Another thing is the names of the bands themselves. For the most part they sound like a 12 year-old boy's idea of something that sounds "wicked". Check out the following list (and I apologize to afficianados who recognize some of these bands as NOT being "strictly death metal"): |
| Life Of Agony - Poor cupcakes. Arch Enemy - This may be named after the villain in "All your base are belong to us" Arcturus - Which is apprently the name of a star (though it's often incorrectly used to refer to a galaxy somehwere...ROCK ON!) At the Gates - These guys have a song called "Ever-Opening Flower" which clearly shows off the bands "sensitive side" and sounds like a train running over ten thousand cats in heat. Bestial Wanderlust - So like...a gopher or something...walking around. Very hard-core. Oh no wait...it's probably more like an actual Person walking from place to place...as a gopher might. I wish I could give you a link to this band. Bewitched - With songs like "Hard as Steel (Hot as Hell)" it's difficult to imagine why I can only think of the plesant TV show about a (gay) guy married to a nice sorceress. Children of Bodom - I can only assume that "Bodom" is an alternate spelling of "Bottom". Assuming that's right, this band name is essentially, "Kids of Ass". UPDATE!!--> A fan of this band sent me an email explaining that "Bodom" is the name of a Lake in Finland. I guess a bunch of people were murdered there and the band's name is an expression of solidarity. Control Denied - Basically a clunky way of rippping off the Bad Religion album title "No Control". This bands actually sounds more like an Iron Maiden tribute actually...so they get props for that I guess. A member or members of this band were formerly in another band called "Death" Cradle of Filth - I'm guessing these guys aren't really "into kids" (at least not in a wholesome sort of way). I mean is changing diapers really that bad? Crimson Glory - I know that people often assosiate the color or crimson with blood, but there are a lot of things that are crimson colored in the world. Like flowers! I'd like to think that this is a celebration of flowers. A sort of peace, love and metal sort of a band. Dark Funeral - I'll bet these guys play a lot of "Magic the Gathering". Songs like "Goddess of Sodomy" and "Hail Murder" make for great dinner music when your inlaws are in town! Dark Throne - Another group of glum-drum, partypoopers. Putting the word "Dark" before anything automatically makes things "awsome" for these guys. Dark Pickle, Dark Liver Spots, and Dark Tape Dispenser all played on the same bill once...that show ruled. Death - Okay I don't wanna accuse these guys of running out creative ideas for band names, but "Death"? I can't even make fun of how stupid and boring that is. That's really the best they could do? Diabolical Masqurade - Ah yes...nothing says "Ultimate Death Rock" like a french word for a nobel costume ball, with big fluffy dresses and dainty lil masks to cover ones eyes. You know what's rockin about this party? It's DIABOLICAL!!! MUHUHUHUHUHA! Enthroned - These guys are KINGS! That means they have a lot of power. So much power that mommy wouldn't think twice about buying them that transformer they wanted when they were 6. So much power that Uncle Jeremy would NEVER have touched them in their naughty places. You just don't do that to someone who's enthroned. Entombed - Woah...get enthroned and entombed together and you've got some sort of dead king. Nothing get's my blood pumping and my adrenaline rushing faster than a lifeless corpse. These guys ROCK! Exhumed - Ha! Now the dead king has been dug up for some reason. Maybe he rocking too hard to be kept in that mausoleum... God Dethroned - Apprently after Exhuming the Entombed Enthroned guy, they discovered that he was no ordinary King...nay! He was in fact a GOD! Then they dethroned him...making these guys extra super strong! Boo Ya! Hecate Enthroned - The story gets better and better. Apprently this God or King or whatever he was, was not a he but a she! Hecate, greek goddess of magic and spells! Really when you think about it this band should sound more like Yanni than like...well like any of the other bands on this list. So what do you suppose happens when "God Dethroned" and "Hecate Enthroned" meet. LeeeeEEETS Get Ready To RUUUUUUMBLE! Filth Juggernaut - It is with a heavy heart that I have to include this name in here since it is the band of my good friend James. I'm sorry James! I think you are a great guy in a band with a silly name. :) Iced Earth - "Welcome to Starbucks what can I get for you today?" "Hmm...I think I'll try an Iced Earth...is that anything like a chai latte?" "Sort of...except it has vanilla in it!" "Yummy!" "Do you want whipped cream on that?" "Well I really shouldn't..." Impaled Nazarene - Basically this band's name is "Jesus" and here I thought that death metal and christian rock were totally opposed to one another. Kataklysm - Nothing says "Rock" like a band who can't spell. (Yes I'm perfectly aware that I ALSO can't spell. Baditude doesn't give a fuck) Mercyful Fate - Yet another band name that's clearly supposed to sound cool but really isn't. What the hell is cool about a mercyful fate?! That's like naming your death metal band, "Nothing is Really All That Bad" or "Look on the Bright Side". I'll bet all the other death metal bands routinely come around to gang rape these guys. Morbid Angel - This is one of those "soiling something pure" type names where you combine something not typically assosiated with the genre (like Angels) and drag it through the maggot ridden mud of metal music. Think of this as the Resses Peanut-Butter Cups of the metal world. Necrophobic - A death metal band who's afraid of death. Nice work those guys. NonExist - okay so only slightly more creative than "Death". Maybe they are just a "Death" cover band? Pissing Razors - Ouch! Is this really nessesary? C'mon people. Pungent Stench - Oooo, this is one of my favorites. Incredibly stupid band names scientifically designed to annoy your parents. You know the band members heard this phrase used in a movie somewhere, looked it up in the dictionary, and then decided it would be a cool name. It's bands like this that make Tenacious D so god damned funny. Sacramentum - This isn't even a real word. It wouldn't be so bad except you can't really tell what they are trying to say here. I mean with "Metallica" You've got "metal"...thats about it. Is this thing going off "sacrafice" "Sacrament" "Sacraligous"? What about the "mentum" bit? "Momentum"? "Momentumous"? I can't figure it out. Snot - These guys dont really sound like "death metal" to me but I had to include it. I'm actually a big fan of this name. Spiritual Beggars - Call me an idot, but what the fuck does this even mean!? Is that like some sort of Dungeons and Dragons character? "I play a paladin fighter...what are you?" "I'm a spiritual beggar" "very well...I stab at thee!" Terror - Another bland name. Next to "Pungent Stench" these guys dont have a chance at my buisness Unanimated - Again...why would you name your band this. Does anything sound more boring? "Not Moving" sounds fun. "Lifeless" ooo exciting! It's like watching the Simpsons on "pause". I can see it for something like brit-pop but for hard rock? Lame. |
| -Baditude |
| Any suggestions for more band names? Send em HERE! |
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